I Can’t Go Out There Right Now

I’m always so sad that nothing is good anymore.

I’m holding a funeral in my mind every night for the past that is gone. The eulogy is long and it’s also a prison. I’d like to find my way out of the mourning, but at least there’s things I can see at this ceremony. The black of the veils and suits is muted, but it’s all the same. The expanse outside the church is dark too, but it’s something different. It’s not the absence of life, it’s the absence of everything. Where’s the morning? Losing something good is sad, but sad is better than scared. Don’t head out the door, take a seat on the pews and let’s grieve a little more.

The past was good, but it’s gone now.

The present is sad, because it’s not the past.

The future is not anything. I can’t see it. What are you guys talking about? Does anyone have a flashlight? I just have my phone, but the flash on the pictures is pretty weak. I don’t think it will do any good.

Everyone around is leaving the church, smiling and stepping out into oblivion.

Why is everyone smiling? This is a funeral, you are supposed to be sad. This isn’t appropriate.

You can’t leave yet. You have to give your eulogy. I’m getting so mad. Why doesn’t anyone else see how sad this is? I guess I’m just going to have to tell them all at the wake. Let’s go to the calling hours.

Oh my god it’s a party. Everyone is doing the Cha Cha Slide. Who let the DJ set up here. Who’s gonna pay for this open bar? Everyone kissing like the sailor and the nurse. I’m the only one crying in the club and it’s weirding everyone out.

That’s right, this is a club not a church. The past sucked so bad, everyone’s glad it’s dead. I gotta pretend I hated it, too. You can’t cry in the club. I’ve got to act like I don’t miss it. It’s time to lie about it. When you’re in the club bathroom, you can’t get a stall because they are for coke, so you rest your drink on the top of the urinal. Don’t tell anyone.

There’s that guy I’ve got to lie to. He looks like shit. What was I telling him again? There’s two sinks in between us and he’s looking right back at me. The lie is “we miss the past”, I think. Who lied to who again? This guy looks like shit.

Well, at least wash your hands.

I gotta get out of here man, the music is too loud and I’m way too sweaty. I can go out that door, but it’s fucking bright out there. Maybe I should just stay in here, but man it fucking sucks in here.

Maybe, I can get a booth to sit down somewhere. I wish I was anywhere but here. This place I’m in right now is so unbearable. I could leave, I guess, but it’s too bright. Everyone will see me leaving. It’s not tenable here. It’s not gonna be tenable.

There’s a booth, push those coats on the floor. Sorry, I need to sit. The back of this seating is so hard. It’s not good now, and I know it’s not gonna be good. It wasn’t like this in the past. I miss it. I’m adjusting in the pew. It’s a Catholic church because you’ve got the bar for kneeling.

This funeral is so sad. I can see through the stained glass windows that it’s night. I can’t go out there because it’s too dark.

When I’m listening to the eulogy, a thought strikes me.

Churches and clubs are ending up pretty empty.